Simmons and Sas.... Together at Last

I went to ESPN Zone at Disneyland today to meet my idol Bill Simmons as he winds down his book tour. I purchased a copy of his new book "The Book of Basketball" for only $22 and was one of 100's of people standing in a line that stretched around the building to meet the author. But I didn't want to be just another faceless fan looking for an autograph. I wanted to do something that he would deem worthy of writing about in his weekly column, which I read religiously.

I didn't have much time to brainstorm. I was thinking about clever/witty things I could say, but didn't have any confidence that he would be impressed. Then, it came to me. Ever since the Browns played in San Diego 3 years ago, I've had a Tim Couch jersey sitting in the trunk of my car. Don't ask me why I thought that wearing a Couch jersey would be an acceptable way of supporting my team. Even my fellow Browns fans were making fun of it. Anyway, my great idea was to have Simmons sign the Couch jersey while explaining to him that if the "Sports Guy" endorses this symbol of Brown's futility, it would start a chain reaction of events that will reverse the fortunes of the franchise and cause the Browns to become the Patriots of the next decade.

This sounded like a good idea in my head. It even came out exactly as planned when I described it in the above paragraph. But when I finally got to meet him, I was such a nervous wreck, I'm not exactly sure what happened. I was like Ralphy freezing up on the spot while sitting on Santa's lap. I don't want a football, I want a red-rider bb gun!!! Damn it, how could this happen.

The actual exchange went something like this:

Sas: "In addition to the book, can you please sign this Tim Couch jersey?"

Simmons: "Sure, no problem. Why am I signing a Couch jersey?"

Sas: "I think this will turn around the franchise and make us into the Patriots"

Simmons: "This will never work"

Sas: "We're pretty desperate"

Simmons: "I hope this gets things turned around for you"

Sas: "Thanks, keep up the good work"

Simmons: "Thanks"

When he said "This will never work" all I heard was "You'll shoot your eye out".

All in all, it went pretty well though. I doubt I did enough to make it into his column, but it was worth a shot.

Here are some pictures...

This is me standing in line outside, nervously playing with my facial hair as I was thinking about what I wanted to say.... I also had to poop.



This is me reciting my speech just before stepping up to the signing table.



Simmons signing my Couch jersey while I explain to him how this all makes sense.



Parting words... I think he is smiling... maybe he was amused. If I make it into his column, it will definitely be my greatest accomplishment thus far in life.