I went to the Cavs / Lakers game today. I can't believe how ridiculous live NBA games are these days. When did it become necessary to fill every single stop in the action with "filler entertainment"? Here's what I remember.
First off, the introduction are so extravagent. At the Staples Center, large white sheets accend from the overhead scoreboard creating a backdrop on which they show past Lakers highlights while playing the Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil"... you know the part I'm talking about... "Please to meet you, hope you guessed my name". Seriously lame. It was Jordan's Bulls that first started doing the cool introductions... back then it was fresh and unique... now it's just so sadly cliche and corny.
Then there's the National Anthem. I have no problem with this tradition of honoring our country before sporting events. I do have a problem with the whole place erupting before the songs over. "Oh say does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave?"... That is a rhetorical question. Yet it inevitably gets a reply from 10,000 screeming fans. For some reason this annoys me.
Before the game is about to tip off, we are serenaded by the sweet riff of "Jump" by Van Halen... How very clever. And of course we are reminded that if the Lakers win and hold their opponent to under 100 points, everyone receives two free tacos from Jack in the Box.
1st Quarter
Lakers Girls dance routine. The great thing about the Laker's Girls dance rountines is that they always end with the girls on the floor and the PA announcer saying "Lakers Girls". Then they all get up, dance and twirl themselves back to their position under the hoops until the next timeout. It's like the PA announcer has "Pavlov Dog" control over them.
There was the Carl Jr lucky row contest. Everyone in Section 314, Row 9 recieved a $1 gift certificate to said fast food chain and one lucky winner received a $100 gift certificate. I was in Section 316, Row 6... so close to my dreams.
There was the Jiffy Lube free oil change give away. Animated cars racing on the Jumbo-tron. The white car won, so the contestant wearing the white shirt receives a free oil change from Jiffy Lube. She looked happy.
"Laker Girls"
2nd Quarter
The PA announcer and Jumbo-tron tell the crowd to "Make Some Noise" while they measure the decibal level on the scoreboard.
"Laker Girls"
"Star Search".... Cameramen pan the audience for clebrities. Kayne, Jack Nicholson, and some other black guy I didn't recognize were at the game.
"Laker Girls"
Halftime.
I like half time shows. For me, this is where all the above mentioned crap belongs. This particular day there was a skills competition in which two contestants had to dribble through some cones, make a layup, throw a ball through a hoop, and make a foul shot. There is a level of entertainment in watching ordinary Joes trying not to embarass themselves.
3rd Quarter
"Laker Girls"
I also noticed that the section directly behind the basket that the Cavs are shooting at are now equipped with "thundersticks" to distract the players as they attempt their free throws. These were not present in the first half, which makes me conclude that they only hand them out if the Lakers are losing at halftime.
"Kiss Cam" This fan favorite was the most terrifying 2 minutes of my life... like I want to kiss my girlfriend while everyone watches on the Jumbo-tron. Some how I would mess up. Today's "Kiss Cam" summed up my feelings in one sequence of events. Everything is going smoothly, the camera pans from couple to couple and they give eachother a little peck, or ham it up for a few seconds and pretend to make out... either way the crowd applauds and we move on to the next couple. Then they get to this guy and girl who obviously don't even no eachother, they just happen to be sitting togeather at the game. Of course the camera stays on them while the crowd boos as the song "Kiss Me" is blaring on the sound system. The two strangers never give kiss and the cameraman eventually moves on. But at the end of the "Kiss Cam" segment, the cameraman goes back to the two strangers who still refuse to kiss and the crowd again boos like crazy. The chick was pretty hot, so I really felt for this guy. Here he is trying to enjoy Kobe vs LeBron on a Sunday afternoon, and he finds himself being pressured by 10,000 people to kiss a comlete stranger. I think he should sue the Lakers for sexual harassment... I think he would settle for season tickets for life and it would also be the end of "Kiss Cam".
4th quarter
Prior to the fourth quarter, there was the half court shot worth $135,000. Air ball. The Mirage will add another $5,000 to the half court shot jackpot.
"Lakers Girls"
Zydrunus Igauskus fouls out. Cue "Hit the Road Jack"... how very clever.
Bron Bron leads the Cavs to victory and the crowd files out of the arena like cattle.
Some Lakers fans were talking about how bad the last possesion was when they were down 3 with six seconds and couldn't get a shot off. Some fans were talking about how LeBron out-shined Kobe again. As for me, I was just trying to determine if I was leaving a basketball game or a Vaudville show.
The NBA... "Where Amazing Happens"
4 comments:
Wow! I hope you had a notepad at the game.
Kudos for the Pavlov's dog reference.
I haven't been to a Pacer game since they all started packing heat. But, it sounds like I'll never want to go back, even if Jamal Tinsley agress to disarm.
Was the Staples Center full? Do NBA games even sell out?
I am going to bet that Sas was using a hand held tape recorder. That is one impressive list and in chronological to boot. Although you did leave out the fact that no-one has played DEFENSE in the NBA since the 90's.
I wish I had a notepad, this was only the tip of the iceberg. There was a lot of stuff I left out because I couldn't remember.
Cutter, I didn't mention the lack of defense in the NBA because it had no bearing on what I was writing about. Thanks for the constructive critisism though. It reminds me of the time you asked me to proof read one of your papers in college. You know the made up story you wrote about how your "girlfriend" wanted you to masturbate in front of her but you didn't feel comfortable doing it... God that was hilarious. I still don't know how you graduate a full two years before me.
Come on Sas, if your going to bust my balls about shit at least get the story right. The paper was for that dam Psychology of human sex class and it was Walker that I asked to proof it not you. Plus the paper was actually about getting my "girlfriend" to masturbate with me so that we could climax together. That was without a doubt the weirdest paper assignment that I ever had to do. I'm pretty sure that the Professor was a perv. Don't feel bad about the graduation thing if you would have smoked as much weed as I did I'm sure that you would have graduated in 4 years too. That or maybe if you had gone to class once and a while.
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